Upon encountering a task, problem, or obligation, I typically set about on a mission to create an intricate, multi-faceted system to optimize my response. There are various categories of system, each depending on the situation requesting a response. Some start and finish within a day, like The Laundry System; others carry me through entire careers.

Most recently, I have created The Chipper System. To invite movement into my life, I work as the ground crew for a tree care company. Here, my work day revolves around a wood chipper. The operation, daily maintenance, and troubleshooting of the Vermeer CH-04 requires a simple sequential workflow. As the arborist prunes branches (sometimes, all of them) off trees, I collect them into neat piles. Once enough piles have been established, I push them through to the feed roller to catch and eat up, creating pulpy wood chips that get spewn into the back of the Freightliner T-7. The frequency and speed of this process depends on the type of job we have been assigned: tree felling at a golf course is slightly different than pruning fruits trees in someone's backyard.

This work day is nothing like I have ever experienced. I spend any spare time staring at the lichen running through the grooves in bark, rather than the chains of email threads I had become accustomed to. It's not necessarily a quiet job site, nor is it easy on my physical body, but my opportunities to listen to birdsong and appreciate colourful sunrises on crisp, autumn mornings have certainly increased. And that is definitely worth experiencing.

I encountered heavy resistance within myself during the first week of this new change of pace. But a weekend of rest later, I found myself looking forward to Monday morning. At first, I was aghast - those damn motivational Instagram edits were right all along! All I needed was a combination of daily movement, determination, and the will power to overcome decades-old habits that shrouded me like a heavy, warm blanket. But now, I find myself exhausted by all the systems that must be devised for future experiences. Is this how I make meaning in my life? Optimizing systems to make it worth living?

Just as Sisyphus must have, at some point, pondered the futility of rolling his rock up a mountain over and over again, I too ponder the futility of creating system after system to optimize my life. Is this all there is? What is driving me to near-compulsively organize my life to archive the past, record the present, predict the future? Is that how I have to live this life? Philosopher Albert Camus would say to Sisyphus that it is futile to think about the futility, just as my Friend Gill, has said to me that it is not that I have to live my life, it’s that I get to live my life.

All day I have deliberated on this concept of creating systems to manage response to a task, problem, or obligation. Here is the beating heart of my constant, persistent urge:

I wish to capture the perfect day in a list of steps, such that I can repeat it daily (or when necessary) to optimize the amount of happiness and dopamine I can gain. I want to create a sequential workflow to optimize how much joy I can experience in a given day, and thus, for the rest of my life.

For as long as I can remember, I have been attempting to mine my memories of all my 'perfect' days in order to have a recipe, a blueprint for how to have the perfect life. What might have started as an intuitive way to protect myself from the admonishments of my elders seems to have turned into a hyper-competitive urge to better myself, each and every day, without a reprieve. The lack of flexibility in this repetitive growth cycle reduces my value down to how efficient I can be at completing tasks, solving problems, and upholding obligations. I am more than what I can do or be for other people.

I see a similar lesson beating at the heart of every 'How to be THAT girl' tutorial. I see it in hustle culture, asking us to work harder each and every day to accumulate wealth, good looks, or preferably, both. We're all trying to live perfect, good lives; but the definition of perfect and good is not so constant. In fact, it differs greatly depending on the person you ask. We make meaning of our own lives, and what it means to live a perfect, good life changes as we broaden our horizons and try something new. Life, love, and happiness are not cookie-cutters, nor are they the end-result of a complicated recipe. Truly, they are not even goals you can achieve. A life well lived is simply, a life appreciated.

And what a life it has been so far!

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