Five days ago, at what I presume was the peak of my anguish, I began writing as a way to release the emotions. I wrote letters, I wrote to audiences known and strange, I abided by rules, I abandoned them in a flurry - I tried it all. At the end, exhausted and empty of all tears, I realized the truth at the core of my anguish. I realized what I had been trying to write but unable to say for quite some time now. While I am furiously chasing these feelings in the October series, this series is named Exigent Suite specifically to house these pieces of work. Exigent means pressing, demanding. So, these are rushed and urgent words that read the way I feel. And so, here is an impassioned something, Five Days Old.

Look at me. I exist. 

I’m standing in front of you, 

arms wide open, 

and I am saying that I love you. 

I love you in your entirety; not because you’re kind, or because you got me flowers to cheer me up or because your company is interesting; it’s all of that and more. There are not enough words to express this. But I am a glutton for love. I love too quick, too hard, too unabashedly, too unconditionally. I exist in this world to love, and I am telling you, I love you. Whether you return that love or not, I love you. Whether your heart flutters at that statement or not, I love you. 

And rather than say it back, I wish you would say you loved you too. I wish you loved yourself more than you love me, more than you love the way a warm meal hits just right after a long, tiring day, more than you love the dance moves in a music video. 

I want you to say that you love yourself. 

I want you to say: 

Look at me. I exist. I am standing in front of this mirror, arms wide open, and I am saying that I love myself. I love myself when I’m crying, when I don’t feel like I’m enough, when I’m upset at the world. I show that I love myself when I sleep in, when I make my favorite meal for dinner, when I spend hours focusing on an activity I love. 

And then, when you’re ready, I want you to say:

I show that I love myself by allowing others to love me. I love myself by loving you the way you love me. I love myself because I love you, I love you because I love myself. 

I want you to say: 

Look at me. I exist. I am valued and loved and safe and I want to make you and you and all the rest feel valued and loved and safe. When you build your capacity to love, I want you to start from yourself. I want you to build outwards from your heart; that is your foundation. Dig deep within, lay down a strong foundation, and build up and out towards the people that love you back. 

When you’re there, when you think you’re ready - and you’ll know you’re ready when you smile at yourself in the mirror everyday - when you think you’re ready, build bridges to other hearts. To stronger, positive, loving hearts. Build connections that’ll hold you through any storm, no matter how strong. Build support systems that hold you up as you’re falling, that build you back up when you falter. 

And at the end of all that, I want to hear you say:

Look at me, now. I exist. 

I’m standing in front of you, 

arms wide open, and I am saying 

that I am ready to love you.